You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.