I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
fair
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Morning.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated