Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.