me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My inexpensive home security system…
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair