Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.