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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business