Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Put this video in the Louvre
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.