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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name