[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
You Might Also Like
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Aight bet
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.