me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I only eat vegetarians.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home