The old gods are rising again.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
A classic…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?