They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.