When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Stop.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Thrilling chase underway
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying