me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.