Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
you gotta be faster
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel