Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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*skinny dips into black hole
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.