Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Put a ring on it
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer