A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Not today
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
subtitles are so good nowadays
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….