I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.