Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.