*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.