Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing