One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
You Might Also Like
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
hey, alexa
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.