TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.