As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
some Old Testament wisdom
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Happy Taco Tuesday
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.