[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.