DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.