I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
got so much cardio in today
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.