Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation