No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.