When you try jalapeños for the first time
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Oh we’ve met.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?