I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school