I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”