“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.