geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
is this a warning or an offer?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.