Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Girl, same.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Tough love is true love
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.