If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
You Might Also Like
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*