I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
How wrong was this guy?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me trying to look natural in photos
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me trying to reach for my goals
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ