*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest