[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Received some very disappointing news today
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes