[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
You Might Also Like
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Go girl power!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.