Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
A bold strategy
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.