[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
You Might Also Like
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
i choose….tongue
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres