My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late