Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are