Noah
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?