Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Easy enough.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”