[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.