It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.