Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
You Might Also Like
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.